what would you do if no one was watching?

this is something i've been thinking about for a while now. on the brink of finishing college, it plagues my mind more. 

i've written so much about growing up here, but turns out you keep growing and growing, stages of your life come and go and you still keep growing, going on to the next thing, so it feels kind of good to know, that you never stop growing up. you always have to find your way and something about that is exciting, so i'm not scared of growing up anymore.

but i want to talk about how things from now, are going to be more unstructured, and i get to choose what i do with a major chunk of my time. well, all of my time. before, it was that i have to go to school or do a bachelors, but from here i could do possibly really anything with my time. a masters, a job or something completely else. 

which forces me to think. 

why do we do the things we do, why do we go to the best university, pick up a insanely high paying job, strive to live in a big house, make insane amounts of money? i mean you could always just go to a college close by, pick up a job that's good enough, live in a house that's small but sufficient. but why do we run from average and why do we want to be more?

if you think about it, all problems that plague modern society and us, are human made. what's the need for an education, for money or anything else except yourself. i'm saying that if we strip everything and everyone down, we are just a species inhabiting this planet, right? i could theoretically just survive off of food and living in the jungle.

so what am i? if you take everything away, strip me of my accolades or my degree, what am i supposed to do? and why do i want more? 

something very funny happened the other day. i was waiting outside a professors office to speak to her, and there was a stand of technical books outside. i glanced over the titles. "how to design a microgrid with highest efficiency possible"

as an electrical engineer, who is doing well and enjoying her studies, i did not find one topic in the whole array of books interesting. nothing i would pick up and read myself. unless. i was doing something for others while they watch. unless. it was for a project i'd be able to show my technical abilities on to get a high grade. 

this just confirmed something i think i've known all along and that is that making circuits doesn't make me tick unless it's someone else watching. it's not my life's passion, i enjoy it thoroughly, i really do, but i don't think it was the only thing i was put on this earth to accomplish. 

girl realises the degree is picked to provide safety and stability in life and usually is not anyone's truest passion in life. were you born yesterday?

i'm a lucky girl. i'm very privileged to be in the position i am, to be able to think about this. i don't have to worry about the things my parents had to. but i am also grateful that this enables me to explore what i truly want from life. i don't know much about that right now. 

but i would be lying if i said i didn't want money or a house, or for people to know of me, of my work.

something i've always said whenever anyone asked me what i wanted to do, since like i was in the 6th grade, was that i want to make an impact, some change. small words big dreams.

i'm very excited to go forward, see where my life lead, so much ahead of us all. of course, i also hold fear. you are so used to following the perfect path without ever questioning: why do you want it?