being perceived

how much of ourselves do we erase everyday to fit in? how much of our lives do we waste away trying to conform to our own and other people's expectations of ourselves. i couldn't get back to writing here for the longest time because i thought that it's pretty ridiculous that i still want to write. 

everyone loves making fun of everything these days and people just stuck in one place especially derive strange pleasure off of downsizing people for trying, or maybe that is just what i pay attention to, because i've also seen so many people being really nice and supportive.

but at the end of the day, does it really matter what anyone thinks at all? isn't this my blog? my thoughts and words? what i'm saying is something you've probably heard from a lot of people, but it is really hard to practice all the time. overcoming the aversion of being perceived and then being judged after being perceived is really tough.

last year on my flight home, i thought to myself, i'll start writing here again. it's a good record of my thoughts and feelings during a time in my life, brings me happiness. but over the course of the past year, i was never really able to.

university is teaching me a lot of lessons, a very interesting thing someone said earlier to me today was that teenage insecurity goes away with age. i guess that is what happened because i feel ready to write here again.

despite what anyone says, i love writing and i should embrace it. of course i'm not the next big writer or anything, but it gives me happiness in sharing a piece of my mind. i am someone with so many different sides, i used to be creative and find joy in so many things other than my work.

don't get me wrong, i love my major and my side quests, but i have this whole other side of me that so many of my friends here at university just don't know about. during one of my courses we had to design a poster, talk about ethics of technology and after so long, it felt like i was using a part of my brain i hadn't for the past year. some of my friends were surprised and told me that they never knew i had this other side of me which could write really well, come up with eye-catching ideas, design posters or draw. 

i consider myself a generalist by all means, i love doing everything all at once. i still do it in some ways i guess, but i really want this side of me back too. did you know, i hold a two year diploma in hindustani classical music. but i always shy away from singing in front of anyone. i played basketball all through my childhood years until i was grown, but i find it hard to go back on the court sometimes because what if i miss.

you should stop trying to make yourself less. i mean, do more of whatever it is that you love and it will feel like the biggest push in the beginning, but somewhere halfway through writing this, it became much easier and now i'm excited to write more. it's because good energy usually attracts more good energy. 

doing things you love will remind you why it is that you loved them so much in the first place and it goes back to normal in no time. pick your hobbies back up because i swear being in university can become such a rut sometimes. 

be supportive of your friends and loved ones doing things they like, of course you're allowed to have opinions, but is it really necessary to share them, if you know someone you love is happy because of it?

let this be a reminder that you're allowed to take up space and do things you love, even if that means you'll be perceived. so even if this motivation is momentary, do it!