coming of age

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growing up is such an underrated feeling. i feel like writing so much about it now, maybe because i never truly processed it, the harsh reality that i was growing up. thanks to the pandemic. but now that everything is opening up and i'm in 11th (almost) it's hitting me like a BUS. 

i don't think about me growing up everyday, but i feel it in fleeting moments. like when i look in the mirror and realize how tall truly am. or when my mom gives me earrings that i saw her wear when i was a child. or when a plate set we've had for 16 years breaks. or when you see buildings where there were parks earlier. or when your favorite celebrities get married, you probably get the picture.

and there's two sides to me feeling like a grownup, one is where i'm so happy that i get to live on my own terms and then there's just this pure wave of sadness because i have to leave everything behind. like i'm running out of time. and also there's moments i don't actually know what to think, like linking my pan to adhaar or paying my taxes.

also, irrelevant, but new year is the absolute worst time to be reminded of the ticking time bomb that will go off when school is suddenly finished and boom you have to go to college.

i despise change, but my biggest fear in life is remaining stagnant. a weird combination but we deal with it. but this 15 year me doesn't feel like me, sometimes i just want to curl up in my bed and not like, deal with the actual teenage stuff. sometimes i just want to be my 6 year old self, when time practically didn't exist. i want to stop knowing everything that i know now. 

but the happy side, which is approximately 80% of me, knows that i will get through it as i have through everything. it is excited for what's to come. for all the possibilities and opportunities. and also for getting a tattoo or driving a car. and maybe date a guy.

one day all of us will have to grow up, if not in mind, then in body. but there's no point in resisting the flow of time, because the only thing that swimming against the current of a river does, is wear you out. we'll all forget what it's like to be 16 when we turn 17, we'll all go on our different paths, all the things we're doing now will probably become stories and pictures, old photographs. 

but right now, these moments that we share aren't stories. it's what's happening, it's what we're crafting with our own hands. it's what we'll look back at, which is precisely why i think it's important for us to create memories we'll be fond of looking back at. yes, there will be bad days, where you don't feel like facing reality or think things like "why me", but that is the part of the journey. unfortunately, teenage isn't a coming of age film, but i guess it kind of is? your own kind of film?

so in short, be adventurous, not dumb. do things out of your comfort zone, learn about things that you like, what you feel like investing your life in. also learn about taxes and real life stuff you might need because no one, i repeat, NO ONE, guides you on that stuff (even though they should)

but in the end the ultimate goal is being that one hot aunt who is loaded up with money and success living in new york or delhi. that is the dream.


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